A Little Heart Ache

                                                               "Three In A Row"

                                                                       16 x 20

                                                                         $325

I'm not doing well this morning. It's 5:30 am, I can't sleep, so I thought if I wrote down what I was feeling, maybe I'll get a clearer view. It usually happens that way.

Often you've seen me talk about the consequences of our choices. I really believe I have accepted mine and have no ill feelings or resentments toward certain individuals and their decisions they made years ago where I was concerned. These actions have turned out to be consequences for me today. I was at fault. I hurt people I loved. I live with that reality every day.

What I am struggling with today are feelings of resentment and anger toward certain individuals that influenced me and so corrupted my mind. I am filled with so much self-loathing for being such a weak person and letting them control me as they did. But mainly, I feel such heartache for my children. They are innocent victims of my choices and the evil influence of others. My heart feel so heavy right now.

I know I am not alone in this pain. So many others, like me, carry around their own heartache after the choices they made years ago, and live in the consequences of being influenced by an individual that so twisted God's Word. So much evil. Such an unnecessary waist of lives.

Through writing this, and sharing with you my pain, a song comes to my mind. I know deep down, in spite of my feelings, this is what really matters. This has been my salvation and I wouldn't change the outcome. Here are a few of the lines that sum it all up to me. "My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy reigns, unending love, Amazing Grace."

So thank you for letting me share this and be open. I don't think I will post this one on Facebook. I'll just let you people that continuously check my blog for updates read it. I know that in spite of all the worldly things I may seem to miss out on, I am so truly blessed, because I am free, and my children are free.

Red Flowers

                                                                24 x30 Unframed

                                                                  Mixed Media

                                                                       $475

I know what you are thinking, "Red Flowers" is not a very creative name, but when you put so much into a painting, it's hard to come up with an exciting name. I usually ask my husband to name them, or I name a piece after a song that I played while painting it, but Tommy is out of town, so "Red Flowers" will have to do.

This was a fun painting to do, because it is out of the norm for me. I love doing texture, and elements of collage. Several of the flowers are pieces of old newspaper. One of the leaves has the name Primos on it, which was my maiden name. The red reminded me of flowers one might get for Valentines Day. Maybe Tommy will read this blog and get the hint!

On a different subject, I've been reading Colossians this week, and the verse that has stuck with me is in chapter 1, verse 10.  "walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respect, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God".  As I look back on the week, boy have I blown it, especially where my children are concerned.  I have lost my temper, said unnecessary unkind words, let them get away with bad attitudes, etc....   Parenting is hard.  Walking in a manner worthy of the Lord when it pertains to them is hard!  I love them with all my heart, and they know I do, but these teen years are trying.  So, my prayer this week is for patience and self-control.  Once again, I think of my two favorite words.  Forgiveness and Grace.  Thank goodness we have been given that, (especially when we have teenagers!)

Be Still

Hidden Angels

Peace
8x8
(SOLD)
Sorry I've been away for a while, but I took another "girl trip" to Florida and just been a mom lately.  I've been playing around in my studio, painting fun whimsical pieces. However, a friend of my son looked at them the other night and said, "they just aren't you.  You are more abstract."  Hmmm!!  Don't really know how to take that.  It's been a fun diversion though.   The work I posted today are just some old paintings I did a while ago.  I guess they are more "me" because they are abstract.  In spite of what Scott said, I think I'll paint some fun hearts today.  After all, Valentine Day is just around the corner.

I came across this verse today and wanted to share it.  How different would our life and attitude be it we took it to heart?

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."

Exodus 14:14

Journey Home

                                                                   Mixed Media

                                                     Available at VIEW GALLERY

My son and I just returned home from a trip to North Carolina. It was my second trip there since leaving 4 1/2 years ago, but my son's first. It was emotional, even hard at times, but overall, we had a wonderful time being reunited with old friends. True, loyal, "heart friends" that walked with me through tough times. I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

What sticks out the most about the trip, is how I see the sovereignty of God. He was in every detail, from the snow, the individuals at the wedding we attended, to the time spent with old friends. All of it making us feel safe and loved. Even when I think back on my experiences there years ago, I see the sovereignty of our Lord and His hand in it. I know Romans 8:28 to be true. "All things work together for good to those that love the Lord."

Being Shaped

                                                            "New York In Winter"

                                                                        36 x 48

                                                                          (Sold)




Will we ever be free of our past? Will the consequence of our choices ever quit rearing it’s ugly head? Will the nightmares ever go away? In all honestly, I think not.

People often try to give me advice, and I know they are sincerely trying to help. They say “Just put the past behind you.” or “Don’t think about that anymore. You’re not there, it’s not you any more.” But the truth is, I can’t put it behind me and it is me. My past, (and yours) is what has shaped us to be the individuals we are today. We can’t put it behind us, but we can move on, learning from it, using it to God’s glory, and accept our consequences. We have the choice to do this or stew in resentment, and always see ourselves as the victim or just always feel ashamed.

As I have written many times before, we all have our pain. No one is exempt. Some people’s is just more hidden, but it’s there. However, The Lord does promise that He will not give us a burden that is too heavy to bear. He will help us carry it. My family and I are a testimony to this promise. Does it still feel heavy at time, even 5 years later? Yes. The nightmares are infrequent, but when I do have one, I am strong and the victor!!

Forgiveness and Grace. My two favorite words. We have been forgiven our past and given undeserving grace. Our past has shaped us to be the individuals we chose to be today. We have been through what seems like a battle, and will see more heartache down the road, but remember, we can choose to be soldiers of Jesus Christ and trust God in every circumstance before us, and know we are being shaped to be the person God has chosen us to be.

A New Path

                                                                   Mixed Media

With each new year, one can't help but think about the years that have past, and the one facing us. We reflect on our mistakes and the lessons we learned, hoping that we go into this next one wiser and more humble. At least that is how I feel. I can already look ahead and see certain changes that will come in 2012.

Today my husband started a new job, where after 23 years, he will no longer practice medicine. Years of carrying a pager, being on call, missing the children grow up, not having normal hours..... are a thing of the past. It is a bittersweet change for him, but we believe this is where The Lord has led him. Today's painting is one I gave him as a gift for Christmas to hang in his new office. It's name describes his new journey.

Is it scary? Yes. Do I feel uncertain at times? Yes. But isn't most of life that way? Always taking leaps of faith, trusting that we are making the right decision, yet stumbling along the way. The truth is, there is no path or road block too big that our Savior can't handle. My part is just to be faithful, and trust that God will see me through. Not one step He will make me take beyond what my foot is able to endure. My past is a testimony to that!!

Happy New Year!!

Pleasant Journies

                                                                         24 x 36

                                                                     Mixed Media

                                                      (Available At VIEW GALLERY)

Rejoice in the Lord always; and again I say, Rejoice (Phil. 4:4)

Hello friends, I'm back! I took the month of December off. I didn't even pick up a paintbrush until the week of Christmas, when I was asked, on the 22nd, to paint a large painting for a young man that needed a present for his wife. So, I thank those of you that continued to check my blog, looking for updates, but found none.

December was a good month, but it wasn't without it's trials and heartache for friends. I traveled some, being fortunate to visit with old friends in California, and I took a wonderful weekend trip with my husband, who hadn't taken a vacation in 2 yrs! The children were home on break and that's always fun. We celebrated my parent's 60th wedding anniversary. We also had a wonderful Christmas, spending a lot of time at my parent's with my siblings and their families.

There was also heartache. A friend lost her 2 month old son, and another lost his dad. Also, my heart felt very heavy for the Madison families that lost their 3 boys this Fall. What I am thankful for is that all these individuals know the Lord, and though they still may ask "why", they hold tight in their faith and trust the Lord in His wisdom and love. They are true inspirations to those whose lives they touch.